Im....in new york....because of some amazing friends....that i have...so like my life is better?i no longer have any connection to my dreadful family, so in turn i have no past.Which in turn means i have a future? dood i have no idea, to be honest i wasn't expecting to get this far let alone get such a fresh start in an area im not at all familiar with. its fucking weird,as for the future of this site, i might just scrap what i have again and start fresh with the mindset of ME and not THE past as to when that'll happen i have no idea...maybe archive it instead? idk, to be honest i might not even make another update to this site for some time. this blog is probably going to be the thing that will get the most updates for some time,that's assuming i come back to this. we'll see what happens to this realm heh, it might turn into a witch site that weaves a story, who knows.if you want to stay up to date with what i do then once again i have a coffee account which i update more often then i do here so *shrug*. i am...scared for what happens next.
tbq vg uhegf xabjvat gung v unir gb qrynl rirelguvat v npghnyyl rawblrq sbe na haxabja rkgraqrq crevbq bs gvzr. xabjvat gung v jba'g or noyr gb or ZR hagvy vz zhpu byqre.xabjvat gung v jba'g ernyyl unir pbageby bire zl bja yvsr hagvy v hygvzngryl trg nonaqbarq ol rirelbar v xabj. v srry yvxr n shpxvat snvyher orpnhfr v unir gb gnxr ba fb zhpu lrg univat irel yvggyr gb jbex jvgu. v'ir bayl orra noyr gb chfu bhg gurfr oybt hcqngrf orpnhfr v unir qbja gvzr sebz zl wbo,ohg rira gura guvf qbrfa'g srry yvxr qbjagvzr engure jnfgrq gvzr. v qba'g xabj vs vz rira tbvat gb unir n punapr gb fgnoyvmr zlfrys, zl jubyr snzvyl naq rira zlfrys gb na rkgrag, yrg zr va n ernyyl gbhtu fcbg naq v qba'g xabj ubj gb penjy bhg bs vg. fvtu... v'q or ylvat vs v fnvq v jnfa'g fpnerq, v jnf ernyyl ubcvat gb yrnir bhg bs fgngr sbe rqhpngvbany checbfrf, naq vg jnf na rnfl jnl sbe zr gb fgneg zl yvsr. v guvax v ebhtuyl unir 2 zbaguf gb fbzrubj fgnoyr zlfrys. v ungr orvat fb cbjreyrff bire zl yvsr naq v pnag qb nalguvat nobhg vg. what's driving me to keep trying to change things anyway? i have no power over anything and everyone treats me like a child so like...why?
plans to go to oregon cancelled,clown corp cancelled,my transition and all of that fun stuff,cancelled. the update that i was going to do in august you guess it,cancelled, why? because everyone kinda pulled out on last minute and so here i am,with a job that barely pays minium wage, moments before my mom ultimately moves to north carolina,and no she is not taking me she is leaving me here....in this hell hole of a city.SO my new plan is to hope to god i can get a car with something that counts as a license and living in that until... i can somehow live in an apartment that isn't here.great plan i know 10/10 this is what i have to work with under a 2 week notice. this sadly is the best i can do and i hate this...all of this and honestly i regret coming out because i know that things could've and would've played out differently for me if i just bit the bullet and joined the fucking air force.
been a bit crazy shit has happened as it typically does these days.i had a really garbage job for a week only for it to result in me not getting a paycheck because for some reason even though its technically illegal it still can happen and there's not really much one can do to counter it.been trying to look for a new job,haven't really had the best of luck so this will probably take a bit because this town is just that dead.my cat is going blind and/or senile and i really dont have a way to help mr.meow which fucking sucks considering this cat has been my support animal since i came out so that's been really hard to deal with.clown corp still kinda is a thing although considering my mom is now fighting against the idea i may be able to drop it all together,which has its pros and cons (biggest one's being i wont be able to move out of this house that easily but i also won't be forced into the male dorms).kinda did a few tweaks with the site as some might've seen, still slowly but surely making my way down optomize avenue. im also slowly but surely getting more comfortable with just allowing myself to be me rather than acting stoic,which i would be lying if i said that it was easy to do so.also may becoming a chaos witch but im not that comfortable with myself to fully admit that such a thing is a possibility. um what else.....oh yeah my uncle maybe vouching for me and i might be moving to oregon sometime this year,just like job corp that's also been partially confirmed so i really don't know.i turned 18 a week ago (june 30th to be exact) so i do have some freedoms that i didn't have before,however said freedoms cost money and i don't have money yet so like...they're useless to me until i can get a job that won't screw me over.and yeah being an fresh adult in a town where getting a job without experince is nigh impossible really sucks and, this isn't taking into consideration that my mom is actively trying to screw me over because hey guess what i still need her help with some things so that's been fun to deal with. sigh....
so i actually have a course of action for the site,i've been thinking about making it a collection of smaller stories that happen within the universe of Conduct rather then having this be the show stopper,cause as the past suggests making something that should be in a more visual focus medium into something like a website is kinda a bad idea ya know? not saying that its not possible ('cause i've done it) im just saying it takes a lot more resources than expected (almost at my storage cap and i dont even have close to 100 pages).i might weave one plot line into the site but, i've been thinking about just making it a collection of stories that connect to each other kinda,its easier to do and well i kinda already have a page dedicated to that so why not make it a real thing rather than just limiting it to my dreams. nothing is really set in stone though simply because im currently stripped down to a gpd (micro-computer) that doesn't have much space and well...job corp and all of that garbage is sadly still going on,so it'll have to wait.things are getting better i will say, job corp did give a place holder date (which is august 2nd) which is mega progress,and my mother's drunken grasp over my life is slowly but surely loosening. Eventually i'll become the techy tea witch that i was meant to be but i gotta take care of the legwork before i can do anything else.
Well its month 3 of being on hrt,and thus far im pretty happy with the physical changes (my feet shrunk which is wild) .There's still a few things that I would like to get planned out and situated (like SRS and vocal surgery)before the ye olde clown corp kicks in.It would also be nice to redo my entire wardrobe but I legit don't think that'll happen until well into the future, simply due to the fact that my mom is OH so supportive.Which uh about clown corp...I do somewhat have an eta
more like a guesstament as to when i can expect to arrive on campus,which is march 15th.That honestly makes it super awkward because i do have my last(ish) hrt check up like two weeks prior to that and I do plan on lining up some stuff with my doctor but like im not sure how that would pan out if clown corp actually decides to..ya know do their job,then again when have they? Like honestly its almost been a year at this point and I've heard barely anything from them,and you can't exactly blame covid on this when like every school (espeically those that are under budget and colleges) has actually done something..On a different note, I finally have a direction for the site *confetti sounds* so whenever I get the motivation to update the site,I'll actually have a direction for it.Which is awesome 'cause its been what 3 years since I decided to go public with this thing and like its just been a cluttered mess if you can even call it that.So yeah look out for that <3
Welp, my pc died im now using the micro computer as my main until job corp actually does something....and yeah my transition has been really bitter sweet, mainly due to the fact that my mother just doesn't care and treats me as a joke and its been a non-stop fight between me and the pharmacy because they think that i can transition if they give me either estro or tblockers every other month.I honestly have nothing to say other than, wow my life really went downhill when i came out huh?
This is it,the final update to this page..for now.The past week i spent focusing on my transition because through some insane luck i have been given the outlet to do so.As a result it took me this entire week to actually start a proper transition and i start hrt sometime next week.I no longer need to hide all of this anymore simply because of all the ground work that happened,i can just be me for the first time in like ever.I honestly don't exactly know when i'll be able to update the main site because of what's going on but at the very least things have taken a turn for the better.Thanks to all of the lovely people who helped me throughout this year,and also im deeply sorry because yeesh this year hasn't been kind.Next update i'll ever do will probably be on main site and i guess i'll keep this page up just in case ^^ (cant be to careful these days ya know?) i get to finally use She/Xer as my pronoun set full time now so yAy.and i guess to add onto the crazyness that is the final post,and a slight update to the trash corp thing um...i might not actually be going until like second quarter of next year because idk money? i legit have no idea what's taking them so long but i mean i was able to pull off the ground work for my transition because of their heavily flawed logic SOOOOO... also wow none of these posts go together because this year has been so hectic..huh....GOTTA LIVE ON THAT BUBBLE!!!
If i get forced into online for trash corp its over.Not only do they not give you weekly pay because you're not at the center,but you also don't get any of the other benefits such as medical stuff.So for me if i get forced into the online version which, i most likely will thanks to how terrible the north west admin staff is,i'll be reliving the last 3 years of my life.Which is something i really don't want to go back to,especially not now.Like i just fixed my terrible eating habbits,working on fixing my terrible sleep schedule,as well as finally accepting myself as who i truly am and not forcing myself to be this lifeless shell of a person.Going back to a 3 hour sleep cycle and death gripping school work because i'll be yet again dealing with a very cruel ammount of pressure,thanks to my mom being her,would be a death sentence,because during that time that i was doing Edgenuity i almost killed myself multiple times thanks to things such sleep depravation,accidentel starvation (because i was so focused on doing school work that i ignored my basic needs and no one stopped me so that kinda became a habbit),and that's not even including my sadistic dysphoria which god knows what that will do if i slip back into those habbits again.Like going back to online IS A REALLY BAD IDEA,but its not like i have a choice in any of this because i am a child so what do i know.Its not like i've spent basically multiple years of my life brutally researching ANY OF THIS or anything.
Grad gift finally came in which is a micro pc(that i don't really know what to do with),this domain may also cease to exist by the end of the month cause the neocities project doesn't have anyone funding it anymore SO that's cool.I don't know what's going to happen with this site so guess we'll find out together on the 31st.But hey one of my friends is donating a box of fem clothes so i guess not everything is a confusing mess..kinda.trash corp continues to amaze me on how many red flags it raises,for example just recently they just busted a teacher in the NC center for being a child porno maker.But aside from all that garbo,i continue to decend in this rabbit hole that is myself and im pretty sure im poly? maybe? I DONT KNOW.My really terrible sleep schedule isn't helping.I guess everything really is just a confusing mess to some extent huh?
just like this post . I really just hope that trash corp picks up the pace cause this is starting to get beyond depressing on multiple levels.
So as things continue to spiral out of my control,and i stupidly continue ye olde habbit of pushing people away because i hate burdening people with my life(hence why i created this site,petty i know its even worse when you look at the code anYway),and i fall deeper and deeper into a vonderful pit of relapsing old habbits .Two things have surfaced,through the REALLY STUPID AND COMPLETELY USELESS job corp orientation which by the way was a power point presentation that they created back in like 2012 (i know that thanks to my dysphoric google tangent i did a few days ago),i learned through the speaker of said pp that job corp is basically a GOVERMENT run anarchy.Which would go in my favor except for the fact that this is oHAIo not Cali.So i don't really have a plan to handle that...like at all,its gonna be an even bigger nightmare than the one im already living in.Anyway the second thing that decided to emerge is that through a really lame way of finding out things (aka a grad card) i learned that my mom told both my aunt and my uncle that im trans,which uh for very tiny bit of refrence,my aunt is as evasive as i am when it comes to this stuff and my uncle forced his kid into being trans SO YA KNOW NO BIG DEAL RIGHT? So the way i see how things can go ,i can either become my uncle's obsession and be forced to stay attached to this really terrible family until i finish job corp,thus making this entire journey kinda pointless and way more painful.OR a scream fest. Ultimately the end is (hopefully) the same its just the way i get there can either be really painful or just painful (cause remember goverment anarchy).I don't really know what to do,i just feel really helpless and totally useless.
So uh...things haven't been great...like at all,um so i guess the only positive thing that really happened is that i manage to snake a few more fem things via mAgic and that's pretty much about it.My mom actually decided to send out the last bit of paperwork to job corps however,there's STILL not an eta as to when im suppose to be there/start,which at the rate of where things are going i might not even go.Through my oh so lovely dysphoria,which is just becoming (or more accurately im noticing what the source of this is) a researching death grip,i learned that there is a stupidly giant double standard for trans kids such as myself.Due to the fact that they have a 0 tolerance for drugs and yadda yadda (what a US school claims to have basically) ,if you get the go ahead to start things like HRT you will get thrown out of the program because it violates their 0 tolerance policy because you are taking steroids which falls under drugs.BUT if you get the go ahead before you enroll in the program then its fine.I SPENT 5+ HOURS to find this because none of the policies are on the site,except their 0 tolerance policy and the 5 year outdated handbook (which highlight EVEN MORE double standards but we're not getting into that,plus you cant even access it via normal means cause eff UPDATING YOUR SITE TO ACTUALLY WORK PROPERLY) ,and that also doesn't cover these policies.So yeah i could very well get rejected and get forced back into the air force plan because my parents are absolutely amazing.And yes my dysphoria just keeps getting worse because its almost like all of my plans keep getting shot and all of my expressive outlets keep getting blocked by stupid things that aren't even in my control.
Howdy there's been a few i guess recent developments regarding...well everything,uh so the simpliest one being that i have sinced changed names from Phyxe to Sylvia, because after i made that post i remember that Phyxe meant bearer of nightmares SO... i changed my chosen name to a more fitting one :). As for the job corp thing i did get in contact with the director again just to see if it was possible if i can stream line the whole therapist thing.As far as i know it is confirmed that i will be getting one at day one rather than somewhere in October, which was when i was planning on getting one because it makes to ya know get cozy with a new routine first before i just jump right into a giant rabbit hole of endless info.Supposedly this can push back my enroll date from September to whenever, but again as far as i know the September enrollment thing is still a thing.Oh also in the midst of all that i somehow just magically became the president of a micronation and got thrown into a plan that was made by Magnum,that basically burned the whole thing down just to prove that the powers between each branch of power was a little to one sided.So i guess for those history buffs out there i was the first fae president that not only burned down a micronation and turned it into an anarchy (cause why not) but also one of the ones to rebuild it. Mind you we didn't do anything bad (unless you count spamming memes and anarchist copypastas for like an hour bad) we just wanted to prove a point of "hey this needs to be rewritten" so yeah that was a thing.Hopefully i hear back from the director soon because waiting around with my mom and my oh so lovely dysphoria is not fun
especially when i dont exactly have a way to actually express it without well ya know , also on that note i basically got confrimation that both of my parents kinda treat this as a joke which is even more "fun" than waiting.
So before i get into the meat and potato (just a single potato) let's do a recap over how painful this journey has been shall we? So December of last year i graduated from a oh so lovely online school called Edgenuity ..in the most painful way possible,cause yikes did the code suck (it has gotten better from what i know but back when i did this it was terrible).In january of this year i learned through a nightmare (that still haunts me because it was that vivid) that i was indeed trans.From that day onwards a lot of emotional garbage that i didn't even realize i was suppressing has been resurfacing,and it has been really both demotivating and difficult to manage.The two months that hit the hardest in that regard was february and april (especially february because that was basically the brunt of the dysphoria),as a result both my sister and my mother slightly caught wind of what was going on in april/may,luckily it didn't go past that but it was still enough for me to go into panic mode for the remainder of that month and the entirety of june because better safe than sorry right? and in the tail end of june through the early start of july i was threatened with joining the air force because i made the foolish mistake of letting my dad back into my life thus brought about that great barrel of "fun" stress.BUT a very last second opportunity sprung up out of no where and so now i am fast tracked on enrolling into job corp. Which then led me,the hail marry queen, into point blank telling my mom while we were in the recruiter's office that i was trans fae.Which yeah wasn't my smartest move but hey i wanted to destroy the idea of me joining the military and so i did the flashiest way i could.Sadly as a result both of my parents now know that im trans,which is for a whole other post (specificly when im in the job corp dorms). Now that you're up to speed on all that wonderful garbage,let's actually talk about the future because now i can make a plan and then follow through with said plan and have it NOT burn into a fiery pit of worthlessness WOOOW. So step 1 is obviously move into the job corp dorms and get all that handy dandy fun stuff done.Step 2 would be transfering all the files from both this computer and sninkygle.org over to either this domain or just the hard drive of the computer that i'll be getting over at the center (i haven't decided).Step 3 would be finally getting a gender therapist (because im goin to ohio beebee) and get the ball of transition rolling.Step 4 would be doing a giant update to sninkygle.org (like we talking 50+ pages) and doing something other than the blog with this domain.and that's all i got currently,also if it wasn't obvious im going into the IT job corp center to become a technical technishhhhhhion (insert scammer joke here) to start with (i might become a microsoft admin by the end of this who knows).i might be a little to excited for this >.>
Its been....two months since i went into panic mode,two very painful months that are still on going.Durning this time i essentially stopped updating both this site and my main site.I also shut out all other creative outlets in hopes of it preventing me from exploring/finding new things about myself so i can focus on staying safe while im living with my mom (aka safety over sanity ,which means my physical safety takes highest priority).However a lot has happened durning this time and idk where to begin with this so... i guess i'll start with the trans stuff (cause that makes the most sense unlike everything else). So around a week or so after the last entry to this domain i discovered by complete accident a more accurate label thingy that describes who i truly am as a person which is genderfae .Now this was also after that i came up with a chosen name for myself which was Fae but then i changed it to Phyxe and made Fae/Phi the nicknames of it because obvious reasons (plus i mean i kinda like phyxe more because of what it means plus it sounds nice..even if im like the only person who can pronounce it properly),again this just kinda happened and im glad it did. BUT on the flipside of it my dysphoria is not only stronger but way more aggressive...like now i cant stand the sound of my own voice for longer than an hour at a time or else i just get really dysphoric about everything,i cant really look in the mirror cause then i get spooked by what i see,and to top it all off i just recently started getting really,really bad nightmares because of it (worse than my ptsd nightmares).The only way i know how to counter it is by dressing up and going into "Fae" mode and going to bed,however i still am in panic mode which basically means that i have to be super careful with this or else i'd be put into an even tighter bind than i currently am (which i'll get to in a sec) because family sucks so doing that really isn't a valid option ;-;.Another thing that happened is that i made the questionable decision (it was more of a desperate choice at the time but looking back on it its questionable at best) to bring back my dad into my life and when we finally met up in person,we had a long convo as to how i could get away from my mom.One of the best (and only) options is for me to join the airforce,which when i do (because i don't have the choice to back out) the benefits i gain are
- i get a sign up reward of a bunch of cash (which i can and WILL use for my transition).
- i get to enroll into an ace school (trade school but better?) after boot camp.
- apperently get really good insurance (like that will do me any good cause pretty much every insurance company hates trans peeps).
- and 3 billion other things that i have yet been told/ i could care less about.
This may sound great except for the fact that bootcamp is meant to bulk you up,which is the last thing i need cause im basically there (just need that fem mAgic) so bulking up will give me a more manly physique.Especially compared to what i currently have which is like defualt character model on the slim side.So basically by the end of it my dysphoria will 100% spike to an even more aggressive level so that'll be fun to deal with.There's also a lot more down sides to it as well (such as the other recruit people will without a doubt have transphobia,i could very well break something cause fragile body ect ect) but i guess i'll face those whenever they appear. Sigh... but ya know on the flipside of it i did get a switch for my bday from him so that's neat (and of course i put deemo and tetris on it) so yAy? oh and also the whole meet up with a recruiter is this coming tuesday (i think at least that's what my mom told me) so its all downhill from here.As a side note (or i guess to just add to the bitterness) it has been confirmed that i will in fact NOT get the devkit/any of the stuff i was hoping for as my grad gift for some reason,so that was a bit of a wasted effort on my part.Anyway idk when exactly i'll be able to actually get back to updating either site again because that now deppends on where i will be after bootcamp..which idk how long that will take,just like everything else so who knows at this point.Honestly the fact that i was even able to get this post out is a miracle in of itself so i guess i'll take it.Sorry if this post is a bit of a mess, its been one brutal trip these past couple of months.
HEY! new layout and stuff,now you don't have to scroll to see the new updates (and the text is more readable.thanks to magnum for the help).
I did manage to get a less sucky setup for this (im now using atom instead of notepad++ so this post maybe a little janky in terms of format),so things should be slightly more easier to edit and get up and running.Now that has been said um.... I might not update here until like end of june early july because yestarday basically ended with my mom catching wind of the trans thing and i just don't feel comfortable updating anything.That being said though,i did come up (or more accurately revised ) with a bail plan which uh ,sad to say that its really only possible via my aunt and uncle (i hate both of them for very specific reasons but that's another post) stepping up and actually doing something for my graduation.That plan being using the money and possibly a dev kit to get as many google certificates as i can,applying for a position at google and then bail.This is a very,VERY risky gamble and so many things can go wrong,but this is my best option no matter how you look at it.So i guess whenever i do make another post we'll see what happens.
this is gonna go so poorly
Ay first post on the new domain and this month! and uh...this current setup kinda sucks,but im slowly working on that.So to follow up with the previous post,stuff did calm down so i should be able to actually make use of this domain and make a page that isn't the blog soon...ish,really im just waiting to for my mom to make a move before i throw myself into a situation i can't exactly back out of ,so im just in a limbo-ey state at the moment (a really painful one cause well ya know) .In regards to future updats i think im going to update the sninkygle one first and then just go back and forth between the two,so that way i can just have a little fun and still utilize both of them...and yeah i don't really know what to say outside of "wow the world decided to jump on in this dumpster fire huh?" and as a result people are now jumping on the train of "cat is a gender" for some reason .Like just say you're a furry cause oof, and like i thoguht it was a joke by 4chan and people just kinda jumped on it,but uh no this is a real thing as well as bug-gender.Stuff like this makes me glad that i don't have any social media outside of discord.