click the play button u won't

Great place to put a blog eh? Right in the middle of well..ya know.Trust me i didn't want to make this space,but i kinda had to.So let's jump right into the meat of this blog and why it exists shall we?So hai za "vonderful" dev of is most commonly know as either snukoms,revive,or if we're gettin' friendly, moogi.This site was internally created as a means for me to channel the negative/positive energy i had one a day to day bases(which is why nothing really makes sense),and was meant to be updated once a week and each update carrying 5 or more pages.However, I didn't know that i was using this site in such a way until..rather recently actually,see i'm maybe one of the few people who are pretty self accepting without the need of anyone else's help,and as a result i just kinda made this site one day because i was pretty interested in learning the ways of hacking...Which then turned into web dev stuff.One very important thing to note, is that no this site is in no means an ARG,although it is presented in such a way it is not meant to be viewed and judged as such,this site was purely meant for a way for me to express emotion in a creative fashion, because i do not actually have anyway of expressing such feelings in the real world because my family sucks.But that's a rant for sleepy revive to tell,not fully awake revive.Anyway,i don't know when exactly i'll update this page again (same goes for the dreams page) nor do i know how long im keeping this segment up,hopefully i can take it down fairly soon (like by the end of the year or sooner),but i honestly doubt that judging by how things are currently,which i do plan on actually making a post about that as well (just not the very first post).Also before i forget,this little bubble is gonna go through a lot of ui changes and stuff,cause i actually found a few handy tutorials,so whenever i get the time/motivation to update this page again,iz gonna look diferent.

w000w kinda consistency...this isnt gonna last long but hey at least it happened...kinda.anYway i guess i might as well go into the reason why this exists,cause i feel like that should be one of the few things that needs an explanation before i actually use this as a blog,cause it legit doesn't make sense to have a blog post in like a 10th in of a site of weird trippy stuff.i essentially needed a space where i can just, throw stuff out there and not make myself more comfortable with my dysphoria,and other garbo.The other method (aka the meat of the site) was essenntially just a very intense method of meditating ,like the best way to describe it is like a shower thought,but rather something like "are feet shoes or are shoes feet?" its more like "why exactly am i afraid of self expresion in this and this way?" type of thing and yeah,it can get pretty draining in using such a method,but it also made me more self-reliant and self accepting (its also not that hard to do all you gotta do is listen in on your thought flow and let your hands channel it for you),which uh being self accepting iz great and all but uh self-reliant iz a balance all on its own,like with me its at the point where i hate talking about this type of stuff to others because i view it as placing a burden on other people,which isn't a great view.especially with this whole dyphoria thing cause you kinda need to talk to people,and yet here i am using my own site as a means of coping with it.anYway so this blog...thing is essentially my way of forcing myself to not be self-reliant and to put everything that's been bothering me in a wittle safety bubble (though its not really safe but eh its safe enough),so who knows maybe by doing this i'll be more comfortable with talking to people.who's to say really,so expect this blog to get really messy (if it hasn't already) because im not really a people person so, ranting to like...idk how many people view this site on a constant basis tbh ,anyway ranting to that many people that i probably will never talk to is not only extremely out of my depth but i do have a tendancy to get super scatterbrain when it comes to just being any rate im thinking about making a page where i put all the art and stuff for those who want it,cause idk it'd be cool to have i guess.

hey so this iz gpmma be the last setup post before i actually use this for what it was meant to be (a neutral bubble to log the feels of dysphoria), and as a result this is probably gonna be the longest and/or most understanbley flowy (because i actually though about what will go here unlike the other two that i did on a whim).so the tl:dr version of it is,there are very few things that i deal with that make my day to day have a positive angle,my gender fluidy dysphoria is one of those things,as a result of that i have to put things that made me understand what my dysphoria truely is on hold due to the current living situations i found myself in .now for the long version,around the time that i graduated (which was december of last year) i noticed this really bitter feeling that 1) i didn't know what it was and 2) was incredibley strong.i found out like mid-january of this year, while i was streaming irusu syndrome because i honestly had no other way of coping with this feeling...and even then that only kept it at a point where i wasn't going to burst into tears because as someone who isn't really the emotional type,not knowing what this was made me depressed cause i couldn't do anything.after a few hours after the stream (i decided to sleep deprive myself that night to avoid the stress cause yeah im that person),a very old thought of mine resurfaced,and it didn't go away until i took a shower and decided to at least get some sleep.that thought being "wouldn't it be cool to be a hermaphrodite?"now hold on,HOLD ON,before you get your pitchforks and torches let me explain ok? when i originally had that thought i was 12 and i didn't have...well anyone really to talk about this stuff,i didn't know the term intersex was the correct term until i was like 15 (which wasn't that long ago cause im 16 almost 17 so ya know).anYway so while that thought was plaguing my thought process,for like the entirity of january i eventually started giving it what it wanted,and so i went down another rabbit hole,trying to find out any bit of info i could on if it was even remotely possible to become intersex.which after like a bunch of hours just endlessly googling and getting all the info i could possibly get,i got two end results, 1) no but i could become androgynes and 2) yes but it wont be an exact 1:1,more like mix match top with bottom. keep in mind that this was like the start of february of this year and if you haven't already noticed i have a very bad habbit of no lifing...everything which is not healthy/smart thing to do because then you find yourself in situations where you can't really do anything because you found all the info a head of time and in a very VERY short window of after that intense google spree, a very vonderful person reached out to me and was like "HEY wanna tell me what's up?" and so we talked for a bit and as a result i made the very safe bet (i mean it was still careless but it paid off more than i expected in the end) of waiting until mid-march to start actually branching out and trying on WAHmen clothing...and by that i mean i bought breast prosthetic(aka moog enhancements) and bras,and later this week im getting yoga pants and as to how my vonderful dysphoria actually treated me AFTER the whole google spree,the best way to describe it is by using the gender Tetrahedron thingy (which can be found here ) , however as i grow more comfy (er when i was im trying to prevent myself now a days for reasons i'll go into in a bit) with my dysphoria and all that stuff i find that the pronouns they/them are kinda not accurate in regards to myself..lika at all,im fine being called a they/them and sometimes i do refer to myself as that (simply cause he/him and she/her just didn't fit right in those situations) but like its just one of those things where its just "you're not wrong you're just wrong" type of things ya know? but the agender and vetrois axis still stand true with my side of things (although as i currently see it i don't think i'll ever use a neopronoun just cause imma baby eggy and even though i take the stupidest risks,i don't feel super cozy with the idea of striaght up outing myself to a bunch of random people.buuuuut its fine if you do refer to me as a ve/vem zat's a ok in my book) . now this is great info to tell people in all but why exactly am i holding myself back on exploring myself? whale zat is a really easy thing to answer,my mom iz pretty transphobic, not in a sense of "all up in yo face i spit on chu" type of way more like really passive,preachy type of way (however if i were to ever get in touch with my dad he is 100% transphobe that isn't ashamed of showing it).my sister is very trans-ignorant,like she doesn't exactly care to be corrected and she will give you the dumbest of looks whenever you do try to,and she is also dating someone who isn't affraid to express his distaste in the trans community (and also very very scummy in every sense of the word).so where i currently stand with my gender fluidy self,im super comfy with the idea of buying clothes through Amazon (cause being technologically advance is like my only sharp advantage in this situation,cause everyone else i live with cant work a computer to save their lives ) and just hiding it cause i do have a ton of hiding places to keep this stuff,so doing it this way isn't exactly an issue.but in terms of doing further self exploration goes....yeah no i don't feel safe to continue further,which sadly means this site wont be updated outside of this page and the dreams page,which sucks but i gotta keep myself safe cause afterall im technically a kid and where i live you can't get a job until you're at least 18..and yes that applies to fast food joints for some reason.and i mean that's not even throwing in the tp apocalypse into the mix.speaking of the whole clothes thing whenever my furmitsu (furmitsu= female energy muritsu=male energy and tokomitsu=both energies) side kicks in wearing the whole getup (which is currently the moog and enhancements and a bra but s00n will have pants) i get a giant surge of self confindance and self cozy-ness,and i just feel more like me rather than some random soulless entity,so its pretty nice but again i can't exactly wear it all the time due to family and stuff. and that pretty much wraps up the pre-log posts,idk when exactly i'll start actually making the other posts but if this surge of energy keeps goin it could be an every other day type of thing which would be kewl.

HEY!been a bit huh? whale that's because there hasn't really been much that happened this weekend,like i revisted a lake that haven't been to in like years and that was cool despite the dysphoria spikes....which have grown more apparent,as in back when i started this blog thing,it was just randomly most of the time i could walk past a mirror without the moog enhancements and it will be like "yarg your chest be lookin mighty flat for someone who desires to be a shemale yack acky yacka".but now a days i can't even look in the mirror without it going "YARG your chest be lookin flatter than a loli's,also your face looks paler than one of those male ghosts from caroline".also i don't even have to be in front of a mirror i can just hear my voice and think "wow i sound like a 50 year old man that smoked 6000 packs of cigars in his late 40s this sounds oh so wrong".but asides from that,its been a pretty chill weekend...i should probably find some method of coping with these recent spikes (that doesn't involve my go to unhealthy method which is sleep depriving myself) before it gets to bad,but i honestly don't know where exactly to begin with that.